Eat Your Heart Out HBO

Bee Free, America. Working, watching, and raging for the Bunbury music festival took a lot out of me this weekend, so sorry it's been a few days. I know you all were very worried.

I have a few new features to post that will be coming soon, but for now I just have a few notable updates that will forever change Ohio, the Cincinnati Bengals, and HBO. What a wonderful weekend for Cincinnati, and therefore of course the world.

So I guess I might as well just lead the weekend updates off with this email I received from the landlord at the Banks..

People do not give a 'heads up' for things that may, or may not happen, with a few notable exceptions:

--Derek Rose's return from ACL surgery

--A pregnancy scare

--Ancient Aliens

--CNN

So, it's looking like although I may not be living in Cincinnati come August, I may (or may not) blossom into a HBO star on your television sets come August 6th when HBO's Hard Knocks with the Bengals kicks off. For those of you who do not know, Hard Knocks is a "documentary" that follows a different attention starved or money grubbing NFL franchise through training camp each year.

 Think I'm being a little tough on the Bengals and owner Mike Brown? Since 2007, the hapless Chiefs, Cowboys, Jets, and Dolphins have participated in the show. In 2011? Not one single NFL team agreed to host Hard Knocks. But hey, with Chad Ochocinco no longer around to entertain the camera crews, it's time for another charismatic character to take the screen...

So what exactly am I planning on showcasing to the HBO producers that will convince them to feature me as a character arc in their story? Brainstorm time, I'll take any ideas I can get: 

• Take the trash out in my skivvies
• Face my subwoofer to the floor and subsequently drop the bass, at all hours
• Invite AJ Green to a farm party
• Lift weights and do deep squats in the lobby of the Banks 
• Cover and sing Bengals-inspired songs outside the doors of Bengals residents
• "Purple Vontaze" 
• "Catch the GOD DAMN BALL!! : The ballad of Jermaine Gresham" 
• "I fought the Law and the law won" (Lookin at you, Pacman)
• "Let's Stay Together" by AJ Green 
• "You're a mean one, Mr Brown"
• Dye my hair red and dress like Andy Dalton everywhere I go
• Run and operate some sort of downtown pimping service (Inspired by "Butters' Bottom Bitch)

I guess we'll see how this goes. I'm not asking for much. Just to change the culture of the Bengals organization, become an HBO star, hug AJ Green, take Marvin Lewis' job, and bring Cincinnati its first Lombardi Trophy.

Until then, 

Albert